Bonds that Transform: Secure Attachment in Young Children

Have you ever heard something like, “I told you so”, “I’m telling you to be careful”, “I wish I had more time for myself”, or “Without my daughter or son I wouldn’t know how to live”?

Bonds that Transform: Secure Attachment in Young Children

Have you ever heard something like, “I told you so”, “I’m telling you to be careful”, “I wish I had more time for myself”, or “Without my daughter or son I wouldn’t know how to live”?

These are phrases many mums and dads admit they have used when it comes to their children. Sometimes the power of words triggers unpleasant emotions in those who hear them. In general, these kinds of phrases directly affect how our children feel. They can lower their self-confidence or the trust they have in us when it comes to talking and opening up.

How would you describe the relationship you have with your children? Do they know how to express what they need? Who is the one who solves their needs?

All human beings need to communicate. From a very young age we express some of our needs through crying or laughing. This is how we manage to communicate that we are hot, hungry or sleepy. We start by forming emotional connections with the people who care for us – usually mum and dad. From them we learn how to relate to others and we discover that there is a secure base of protection, with primary caregivers who are available and willing to be there for us. But what happens when that connection is not quite right?

Respecting our children’s needs is very important, because they will always require an adult. This is where the type of relationship we have with them becomes crucial – in other words, the bond or connection we build, which goes far beyond simply being physically close.

Meeting children’s needs for love, care, protection and more is part of the secure attachment that we, as responsible adults, must help to create. This secure attachment allows them, as they grow older, to build healthier relationships, develop stronger emotional independence, manage what they feel, recognise their own space and face life’s situations in a more positive and effective way.

Creating healthy bonds with our children means helping them understand that when we are together, we enjoy each other, and that separating is seen as something natural. Building good relationships with them is part of developing attachment that is not anxious, dependent or unhealthy, and that does not create problems, but rather a secure relationship.

How to tell if you have secure attachment with your son or daughter

You can say you have a secure attachment with your child when:

• You are present and fully aware in the moments you share with them, without losing your own essence as a person.
• You accompany and guide them; you honour your experience as an adult and recognise the stage of development your children are in, without trying to rush it.
• You know how to set limits that protect them and convey safety and independence.
• You express what you feel with words, through touch or with gestures.
• You enjoy their company and you also look for moments for yourself.

If you answered “yes” to 3 or more of these statements, you are on the right track towards secure attachment with your children. If not, consider the following recommendations:

How to develop secure attachment

• Let them gradually learn to do things by themselves. Give them options, let them choose and allow them to make mistakes without fear.
• Validate what they feel. When you notice they are sad, angry, happy and so on, get closer, name the emotion and share a story of a moment when you felt the same way, so they can see that feeling emotions is okay.
• Observe them. There is nothing better than feeling seen. Be explicit and tell them that you notice what they do, what they don’t do and what they want to do.
• Protect them. Help them feel that you are there for them when they need you, in a healthy and balanced way.
• Empower them. Show them they are capable of doing different activities, tasks or games. This will give them confidence in themselves.
• Celebrate their achievements. Celebrate when they finish an activity, no matter how simple it may seem.

Remember…

One of the keys to secure attachment is showing children that they can trust us in everything they do. This trust is built from the sense of safety we give them to discover, create and explore.

This kind of attachment can be built with any adult who spends time with your children. It is not exclusive to parents; it also grows at school. That is why, for us, it is so important to focus on nurturing happy, confident children who are ready for the future, in an environment that strengthens their self-esteem and helps them manage their emotions, hand in hand with their families.

With us, your children learn in a safe environment, with free and guided exploration that supports their optimal development. They learn through play, so they begin to follow rules and interact with other children. They start solving problems, expressing what they feel, feeding their curiosity, developing their creativity and discovering the world together in a safe, caring, joyful and healthy environment where their wellbeing always comes first.